You’ve got to love his honesty…

Tonight, at bedtime, the kids and I were telling silly jokes to one another. Much giggling was going on until I posed this old question to my son…

“What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the water?”

After a moment of thought and a furrowed brow, he replied, “Scary.”

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Open letter to the soap dispenser inside my dishwasher…

Dear soap dispenser inside my dishwasher,

For the last 10 years, you have been ever-so-faithful to me — your 1/2 cup capacity taking its full measure and then popping open at just the right time in the wash cycle to dispense your hidden treasure, a true credit to soap dispensers everywhere.

Your ability to stay open and on the job under the increasing water pressure you received daily was a testament to the fact that you were a soap dispenser of virtue – tried and true, a mechanism of the highest caliber.

Until today, that is, when I opened the lovely door you reside upon and discovered your lid clamped shut in undeniable defiance. Of what, I don’t know. But no amount of fawning or cajoling would entice you to slide open your delicately handled lid in order for me to endeavor a repair of you. I hated to use the fork, I really did, but you left me no choice. Sadly, the contents of your chamber were embedded against your lid, possibly having absorbed the water from last night’s wash cycle.

You see, I have an intense dislike for dishes that are spotty and are peppered with bits of leftover food particles from the depths of the dishwasher. Your deliberate disregard of this tacit agreement between us leaves me with no choice but to dethrone you from the pedastal I had unwittingly placed you upon and simply convey you to the nearest garbage receptacle. I can’t fault you, nor can I keep you…for you have grown much too old for your job and you are now being afforded an early retirement.

I am both saddened and humbled that an inanimate object could have such a profound effect on my dish cleaning abilities…but you did. And for your years of service you will receive no pension or gold watch, merely a heartfelt thank you.

But do not despair, little soap dispenser inside my dishwasher, I have your replacement on the way. I will not be long hand-washing dishes, for customer service assures me that their delivery is nothing, if not expedient.

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10 Parenting Laws

1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.

4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

5. Yours is always the only child who doesn’t behave.

6. If the shoe fits…it’s expensive.

7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent…sometimes.
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Not the most promising sign…

I have been preparing this week for homeschooling, which begins in less than two weeks, by my calculations. Tonight, as I was reading through a book I purchased to help me teach AJ to read (Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons), I actually started to get excited that AJ is moving beyond colors, letters and numbers.

Eager to share with him what we’d be doing for school this year, I pulled him into my lap to show him the book and was explaining to him that this is what we were going to be learning this year. To which he replied with the sweetest smile ever, “Mama, I don’t want to learn to read. I just want to watch tv, play my video games and pick my boogers.”

That’s my boy. Yessiree.

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You Know You are Drinking too Much Coffee When…

…you answer the door before people knock.
…Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
…you ski uphill.
…you get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
…you speed walk in your sleep.
…you haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
…you just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
…you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
…you sleep with your eyes open.
…you have to watch videos in fast-forward.
…the only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
…you can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
…you lick your coffeepot clean.
…you spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
…you’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work
…you’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
…your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
…you chew on other people’s fingernails.
…the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
…your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
…you’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
…you can type sixty words per minute… with your feet.
…you can jump-start your car without cables.
…all your kids are named “Joe”.
…you don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
…you don’t sweat, you percolate.
…you buy coffee by the barrel.
…you’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
…you go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
…you walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
…you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
…Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
…you’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
…people get dizzy just watching you.
…you’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
…the Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
…Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
…your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
…you’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.
…people can test their batteries in your ears.
…your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
…instant coffee takes too long.
…you channel surf faster without a remote.
…when someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
…you want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
…you want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
…your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
…you’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
…you go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
…you’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
…you name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
…you speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
…your Thermos is on wheels.
…your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
…you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
…you can outlast the Energizer bunny.
…you short out motion detectors.
…you have a conniption over spilled milk.
…you don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
…your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
…you think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
…you don’t tan, you roast.
…you don’t get mad, you get steamed.
…your three favorite things in life are…coffee before, coffee during and coffee
…you can’t even remember your second cup.
…you help your dog chase its tail.
…your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
…you introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
…you think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
…your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

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