Day 1: Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
Day 2: At bedtime, sat your alarm clock to go off every 2 hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.
Day 3: Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing “I feel pretty”
Day 4: Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for 5 dozen plastic milk bags.
Day 5: Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on “medium pile.” Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.
Day 6: Obtain “DO NOT CROSS” tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say “get used to it.”
Day 7: Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook t he nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
Day 8: Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.
Day 9: Record your mother proclaiming, “just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she’ll sleep right through the night.” Play in an endless loop at 1am and 5 am.
Day 10: Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and stand very still in your back yard.
Day 11: Go someplace public-a museum, courthouse, the steps of your office building-and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. use the doll’s arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Feign nonchalant smile.
Day 12: Suckle a wolverine
CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are now ready to nurse a baby…..MAYBE!!

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