humor

A Man, A Plan, A Canal, Panama

Okay, so my blog doesn’t really have anything to do with that palindrome…I just love it. Read it backwards and it’s the same thing…hence, “palindrome”. I wonder why they couldn’t come up with another word for palindrome that IS a palindrome?
So my daughter Katie is 9. She’s growing up really fast. Yesterday she came up to me after her shower and said, “Mom…I’ve got hair….THERE”. I was thinking to myself, “WHERE?” Then she lifted up her arm to reveal three of the blackest hairs you have ever seen on a 9 year old’s armpit. (Can I say PHEW!?!) I managed to keep a straight face and told her I’d buy her an electric razor for that in the next week or so since she’s going to camp and I don’t want her to be embarrassed. She had the most pitiful look on her face until she caught sight of mine and we just could NOT keep it together any longer and we both burst out laughing.
I’m glad she’s growing up. She’s a fine young lady with good manners, polite conversation, a loving demeanor…and oh yeah, three little black hairs under her arm until mom buys her an electric razor!

How To Prepare for breastfeeding

Day 1: Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.
Day 2: At bedtime, sat your alarm clock to go off every 2 hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped in a pair of chip clips.
Day 3: Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing “I feel pretty”
Day 4: Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for 5 dozen plastic milk bags.
Day 5: Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on “medium pile.” Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.
Day 6: Obtain “DO NOT CROSS” tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say “get used to it.”
Day 7: Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook t he nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.
Day 8: Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.
Day 9: Record your mother proclaiming, “just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she’ll sleep right through the night.” Play in an endless loop at 1am and 5 am.
Day 10: Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed, and stand very still in your back yard.
Day 11: Go someplace public-a museum, courthouse, the steps of your office building-and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. use the doll’s arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Feign nonchalant smile.
Day 12: Suckle a wolverine
CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are now ready to nurse a baby…..MAYBE!!

You Know It’s Time to Lose Weight When…

You have to lie down to show off your new beaded belt buckle
The car tilts downward on your side
You have to “rock” a few times to get up out of your chair
You get scared your belly button might come untied
Your kids use you as shade when you take them to the park

okay. OKAY. The only one I’ve ACTUALLY experienced was the park thing.
But it’s a SIGN, people. America has gotten FAT (and I’m one of them)

But NO MORE!!! My husband has begun a new chapter in his life by starting his own business. It’s time I took my life back and lost some of this weight I’ve been hanging on to for reasons I couldn’t possibly explain! There’s no reason for me to be overweight and out of shape (other than I’m L-A-Z-Y).

But that’s going to CHANGE.

Starting right now. Today. You heard it first from me, people!
I’m going to do IT. Just Nike It.

DO it. Cowboy up. Grab life by the horns. Hang on tight, world…cause today is a new day…and this time next year, I’m gonna be lighter and a whole lot brighter.
Watch me shine.
I Dare You.

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