I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers. ~ Anne of Green Gables

There is something about Fall mornings that turn temperatures cooler that bring about a desire for change in me. I usually spend summer in a heated haze – not moving, barely making it through the days because of the heat. I feel like a slug on the sidewalk, moving as fast as I can (which is slow enough to be fried to a crisp when the sun comes out), but never really making much progress.

But Fall…ah, that is a different story. Fall is a season of new beginnings for me. Every year for the past three years, I have started a “diet” of sorts in the Fall. Every year, I have managed to lose 20-30 pounds before Christmas, only to take a “break” and gain it all back, plus some. I have realized I can only stick with something by myself for about 90 days. That’s all I’ve got in me. I have come to accept that I am not a person of great fortitude, nor am I a self-motivator. This has been a hard realization. I *want* to be those things, but the truth of the matter is that I am not.

I have lived the past 40 of my 47 years as a “talker-downer”…being my own worst enemy. Who needed mean girls in high school? I was (and to this day still am) meaner to myself than anyone else could have possibly imagined. (And let’s just be clear about this – I did NOT need to diet in high school!) My sister-in-law used to make me pay a quarter for every time I said I was sorry, because I literally said it for everything. I felt like everything bad that happened was my fault, and even as a 7 year-old girl, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I don’t know why, either! That’s the crazy part…when did I start to loathe myself so?

So October 1st, I made a decision. I’m going to do my best (through MUCH prayer and submission to God) to stop talking down to myself. After all, He knit me in my mother’s womb…I am wonderfully and fearfully made. I am HIS creation! What am I saying about God when I crack jokes about my weight to others or hate on myself?

I’m not telling many people this, but I joined a gym. I’ve told a few close to me because I need and covet their prayers, and of course, my family knows. In addition to joining the gym, because *I* know myself and I wouldn’t go if I didn’t have someone or something waiting on me there…I joined a group of really fabulous ladies in a program called “Barbell Butterflies”. I just started Phase 1 yesterday, which is 3 weeks of nutrition and goal setting education and then 5 weeks of beginner weight training education.

Baby steps…Phase 2 will start in December, just in time for the Christmas holidays! (woohoo – I love me some accountability partners!) and end at the end of April. I hope to lose about 60 pounds by the end of April. I have a total of 150 to lose. Yes…I said 150. GULP. I can only think of it in terms of 50-lb increments. It’s the *only* way I can wrap my head around the fact that I have let myself go this far.

I was so excited on Saturday that my oldest daughter and I went to Walmart in search of some larger, roomier t-shirts for me. I’m wearing a women’s 26-28 right now, so I thought “Surely a men’s 3X will fit!” Grabbed a couple of cute looking t-shirts from the men’s rack and tried on the largest one first:

I might have shed a few tears right there in the dressing room. *sigh* I didn’t buy the shirt, but I should have…just as a “goal” shirt.

However, today is a new day…October is my “month of change” and I am not backing down from it this time. I got up at 4 am and went to the gym. Not only did I go to the gym, but I went IN! That’s actually pretty huge for me…because I hate going where people “might see me” working out (as opposed to seeing me NOT working out….I know, makes zero sense!). Everyone there is so encouraging and smiley-faced. Who knew!?! I can do this. And if I can do it, anyone can do it.