Words are hard for me lately.
I want so badly to find my voice again…to talk about the things that are happening in my life right now. It’s not a very amusing or happy place I find myself in… which is why I have all but stopped blogging. With a title like “simply a musing” blog, what is one to do?
What’s happening in my life lately? One of my 6 brothers died recently, my stepdad is dying a slow and painfully frustrating death from Alzheimer’s, my mom is losing her ability to walk – and I feel overwhelmed at times by the changes taking place seemingly all at once.
I think about David when he was in the wilderness and running from the wrath of Saul and think I can identify, even if on a much smaller level. I’d like nothing better than to run in hopes of escaping what the future holds for me and my family…but I realize that God has ordained these events and I am supposed to stand firm and grow through this. I just don’t want to go through this. It hurts.
It’s agonizing to watch the man that raised me stare at me blankly when I ask him if he’s hungry, his mind searching the recesses and trying to remember what hunger is. It’s painful when he forgets where he’s going after two steps and stops and stands unsteadily for 15 minutes at a time until one of us finds him and asks him if he’s okay. It hurts to think that he will very soon forget my mother’s face, or my face…or the faces of my children and we will all be strangers to him. But the most painful reality is knowing that he’s slipping away and there’s nothing any of us can do about it.
My son still prays for his grandpa’s salvation every night. I’m at the point now where I realize that he might not ever accept the Lord as his Savior. My son is stronger at 7 that I am at 41, for he tells me that the results are up to God, we can’t give up, because Grandpa’s soul is depending on us. And he truly believes that his Grandpa will get saved and be in Heaven when he gets there. Because of my son, I can’t give up that one hope, but it’s not looking good…and I don’t know how to accept it gracefully.
My brother died the way he lived – hopped up on every kind of painkiller known to man. He was a tortured soul and had lived a very disjointed life. Part of me wants to believe that he’s in a better place…but part of me wonders if he ever really and truly made his peace calling and election sure. I hope that he did, but a hope-so salvation is just not the way it should be.
My mom’s health has taken a turn for the worse this year. The stress of losing my brother, watching the decline of my step-dad, and losing a lot of independence is taking its toll on her. I wish I could do something, but there’s nothing to be done. So I sit with her, do her laundry, clean her house, help her in little ways when I can.
But I’m tired. Lord, this season is too long. I don’t know if I can bear any more of it. I’m not wishing for it to go away…just relief. I want to have a day where I can remember what it’s like to be carefee again. I don’t remember what it’s like anymore to wake up without worry and fear.
I need to have the hope that there’s a bright side in all of this. That this situation is going to get better. That this heaviness in my heart will lift. I need to have one day where I don’t yell at my kids or cry from frustration.
Meanwhile…life goes on. There’s still laundry to be folded, dishes to be washed, dinner to be cooked, husband and children to love. I can’t fall apart because there are just too many people depending on me.
Smockity FrocksJune 24, 2010 at 3:45 pm (13 years ago)
Oh, Karen! I can only imagine how burdensome all that is at once! I'm so sorry for your losses, both of your brother and the health of your parents.
Hang in there!
KristenJune 24, 2010 at 3:57 pm (13 years ago)
Wow. I'm so sorry. That's a heavy and hard load for anyone to bear. It's good that you shared it so we can lift you up. Cast your cares upon Him, He cares for you.
Dianne - Bunny TrailsJune 24, 2010 at 4:47 pm (13 years ago)
Wow, that's a lot to deal with. Praying for you sweetie. Not that you haven't probably already read this, but I loved this video by Barlow Girl over at Heather's blog. God's still there, even when you don't feel or see Him. And He loves you and all your family immensely.
Megan (FriedOkra)June 24, 2010 at 6:52 pm (13 years ago)
Oh my friend. I am so sorry to hear all of this and I wish I could take it all off of you for just a little while so you could feel carefree again! I know you have the faith and strength in God to handle it all. He will never let you fall even though each step may feel like the ground is crumbling beneath you. I have been praying for you and your family for what, almost three years now? I will keep it up, I promise. My love and hugs to you. 🙂
OwlhavenJune 24, 2010 at 9:59 pm (13 years ago)
That is just tough, isn't it? I have several difficult situations in my life right now, and I have to remind myself pver amd over that I can't fix it, that I'm not supposed to 'fix' it, even if I could (which I can't), and the outcome is up to God. At some moments that makes me want to scream or cry, but mostly it helps me feel more peaceful, because, really, God is soooo much more capable than I am and it is freeing to not feel so danged responsible for everything…
MJJune 25, 2010 at 7:07 am (13 years ago)
Believe it or not, I found this post encouraging. I've been through some very difficult seasons as well, and just the fact that you're still looking to the Lord in the midst of your trials is such a blessing to me. Thank you for sharing this post- I'm praying for you!
LonaJune 25, 2010 at 7:14 am (13 years ago)
I am sorry for what you are going through, and the first part of James 1 sounds trite and unbelievable in the face of true suffering. Yet this is what we have–instructions for when (not if) life is rough.
Press into Him, my friend, and rest. This is where the rubber meets the road.
Dallas MeowJune 25, 2010 at 10:28 am (13 years ago)
Hugs and prayers. It is not easy and you are sure having a time of it, I am so sorry.
Heavenly has promised, it will be worth it and this life time will probably seem very short to us one day.
Hugs and prayers you dear strong woman.
EmilyJune 25, 2010 at 9:00 pm (13 years ago)
Karen, I am so sorry. What a lot to deal with! I have a daily meditations book for chronic illness that I find very helpful. I found a site where they have similar meditations (http://chronicillnesspaindevotionals.wordpress.com/) which are often just as useful for family members. I hope that it might help. If you ever want to talk, please know that I'm here to listen.
Megan@SortaCrunchyJune 27, 2010 at 3:22 pm (13 years ago)
Karen – I am so sorry, sister. What a truly dark season, indeed. I can so identify with the aching for rest and relief. My prayers are with you.
frugal_mom_jennJuly 12, 2010 at 9:14 am (13 years ago)
my heart goes out to you – you're in my prayers,