Stay at home mom? That’s me. I don’t get too many days off, either. But today, I took one. Katie was out of town with family for the day and since I only had AJ and Abby, I decided to call an early “snow day” and we skipped school. We stayed in our pajamas until 11:30 and we lounged around the house as if we had nothing better to do.
I tried crafting…made some of these flowers from Wisecraft, mod-podged a picture frame for a Christmas present, but I really couldn’t get into the whole crafting thing, as much as I wanted to. I just have too many things on my mind right now, I suppose.
As I mentioned previously, the last couple of weeks have been a tad bit stressful, to say the least. I usually don’t blog about it because of…well, privacy issues – there are people from church that read this blog, as well as extended family members and I don’t want pity, I want prayer.
But, in the interest of full disclosure, I have decided to share my story, because I feel like a hypocrite for pretending everything is okay when it’s not. It is a matter of integrity for me – my words and deeds need to be in alignment, and they aren’t. I feel as if I’m in a race that has no finish line…sometimes I barely have the strength to keep my head up to face the next hurdle.
My husband and I have been self-employed since December 15th , 2006 (well, I don’t technically work…I just do the paperwork end of things) and this has been one of the toughest years of my life. It is one thing to be flat broke when you are single (which we have both been), but it is entirely another when you have three little ones that look to you to keep a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, and food on the table. I don’t want anyone to think for a minute that God hasn’t taken care of us, because He has. Our home is paid for, as are our vehicles, so that hasn’t been anything we have had to face losing. God has always given us just what we needed in His time and up until now, we have been able to pay our bills, even if late.
But this month is really kicking my rear end for some reason. We have had no real income for two months (other than some equipment my husband sold) and I am really starting to get concerned with the Holidays coming up. This is supposed to be the month to be thankful, and as I read the beautiful posts that others have written, I must admit I’m just a tad bit jealous. And then I’m so ashamed. I have so many things to be thankful for – family, friends, God’s protection…but I can’t seem to shake it.
Our daughter’s 3rd birthday is coming up on November 15th and we don’t have the money to do anything for her. Now, in the long run, is this going to impact her for life? No…of course not. I’m just frustrated that we are still in this situation almost a year after starting our business. It’s painful to face the fact that this Christmas might be like last, after we promised our kids it would be better. It’s the whole integrity thing again…words, deeds…you know…they really do need to both be in alignment.
I’m not sure where to go from here. I’ve gone too far, said too much. So I guess I’ll just hit the “publish” button and go hug my kids…they are worth more than all the money this world has to offer. (but I really could use some of the money this world has to offer right about now, know what I mean, Vern?)